i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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