As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
