My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
