There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
