you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
