he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
