If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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