so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
