After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
