I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
