I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
