Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
