Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
