the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
