I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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