We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
