i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
