Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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