Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
People in love make me want to vomit
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
