don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
