I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
