Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
