There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
