Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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