We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
