I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
My cat gives me a boner
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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