How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
