Jerry, you need to find god
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You're like the curious george of whores
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
