why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
it's great music for shaving your balls
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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