You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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