tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
