I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
