So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
