im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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