i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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