I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
