So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
