Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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