Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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