i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
