Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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