What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
