My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
your room smells of hookers.
And success
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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