lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
