He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
