The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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