So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
