You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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