it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
