Swine flu. Run for my life!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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