i came on her dog
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Randomize
