I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
