I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
